Friday, March 29, 2013

Love and a Snickers Bar

I don’t usually begin my posts with questions, but I felt it apropos to do so with this one.  Have you ever felt that through someone else’s actions or lack of actions that they didn’t love you?  If you approached them with the question of “Why don’t you love me?” or the statement of “You don’t love me” causing your partner to promise you, or swear to you, or plead with you, that they do indeed love you. What then?  Do you leave them because you are not convinced of their true, devoted affection toward you due to their lack of being able to prove it to you?

Well, I may have an answer for you.

When I speak to couples who are having difficulty with their communication, more times than not, it is because of their own perception. And when they open their eyes, heart, and ears just a bit, understanding gently enters the relationship and love grows.

Following is my story for you.

One day you and your partner are home (I have written this story from the female perspective) and your partner is heading out to the store and asks you “I'm going to the store to get me some chips and soda, would you like anything?” You think for a brief moment and reply “I would really like a Snickers Bar.”  He says “Okay, be back in a bit” and heads out of the door.

You continue with what you were doing and about a half hour later, he comes in with his chips and soda in hand and happily hands you a Mars Bar.  You look at it confused and slightly disappointed and say “I said I wanted a Snickers Bar, this is a Mars Bar.” He says, “It’s the same, it has chocolate, caramel, nougat, and nuts.”  Now very disappointed because he doesn’t remember something about you that is very important, you say “It has almonds, I'm allergic to almonds.”  Thinking that he is helping he says “Oh sorry, I know you love candy, can’t you pick them out?” then he smiles an innocent heart-warming smile.  You look at the candy bar and realize that he did think of you enough to include you in his run for snacks.  You don’t eat the bar because of your allergy, but let the situation go.

Some time passes, but the two of you generally get along with some misunderstanding in your lines of communication here and there.  One night, the two of you decide you are going to stay in and watch a movie together.  He approaches you and says, “Hey Babe, I am going to the store to get us some movie snacks, can I get you anything?”

Instantly you reply “I would really love a Snickers bar” because that is your favorite candy and what you treat yourself to.  He responds “Okay, be back soon” and heads out the door.  Twenty minutes pass and he walks through the door, reaches into his bag, pulls out a Mounds bar, hands it to you, and casually says “Here babe.”

You take the candy bar, look at it befuddled and respond “It’s a Mounds bar!”  He responds “Uh-huh.” You tense up and say, “Why did you get me a Mounds bar when I asked you for a Snickers bar?”  He looks at you, now remembering you asked for a Snickers bar and says “Sorry babe.  I just know you love chocolate, and I remembered that you love coconut, and when I saw it, I thought you would like it.”  Seriously frustrated, you say “But I specifically asked you for a Snickers bar, and it’s the second time I’ve asked you for a Snickers bar.” He replies again “Sorry babe, I can go out and get you a Snickers bar right now.”  You take a breath and try to remember that he once again included you in his outing for snacks, and he did remember that you love coconut. And he didn’t get you something you were allergic to.

Knowing that in relationships, you have to be a little patient.  You respond, “No, don’t worry.  Let’s just watch the movie.”

Once again time passes, and one day he tells you “Hey babe, I am going to go get dinner so you don’t have to cook tonight, would you like anything special?”  Knowing he hasn’t gotten you what you’ve wanted the last two times he’s asked you, you say it anyway “I would really like a Snickers bar.”  He smiles and responds, “Okay, see you in a bit.”

You continue with what you were doing with no expectation of what he will bring you.  Time passes and he comes home with a big bag of food and a smaller bag.  You open the big bag and start taking out dinner.  He opens the small bag and hands you a Snickers bar.  You look at him, smile and wrap your arms around him giving him a thankful embrace.  He says simply “I remembered.”

You see, by having patience and understanding, while being diligent and reminding him gently each time of the exact thing you wanted, you received it in the end.  Knowing that you didn’t get the exact thing you wanted, but acknowledging each time that he did remember something of what you liked, lessened the anger and frustration that you might have displayed, propelling the two of you into an argument.  His expression of love was to include you and to remember something you liked each time he went out. Your expression of love was patience and understanding.

Remember, it is important to be yourself and express your love in your way.  It is also equally important for you to learn someone else's expression of Love to give them what they want and need from you. Learn how others’ express love to you and teach them how you express love towards them.  Understanding is one of the Universe’s principles for a happier, healthier, more successful you!

Peace and Love to the Universe!

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