We have all
experienced the daunting feeling of setting out to accomplish our life’s goals.
The moment
we have that first flash of genius it all seems possible, realistic, and
reachable. Then reality sets in and we
remember who we are and where we’re at in our lives. We begin to doubt our ability to really
achieve our goals. A big factor that
plays into our reality is that throughout our life we’ve all heard the word
“no” so many times from so many different people that we have instinctively
begun to repeat that same “dirty” word to ourselves. This learned behavior puts
us into a place of learned “self-doubt”.
But there’s
a way to break free of that self-doubt and make it easier to accomplish your
life’s goals.
I have
accomplished many things over the course of my life, but this story is not
about me touting those accomplishments to you.
This story is for you because if I
can do it then so can you.
Learned behavior:
In my early
learning years, I grew up poor and in a very unloving environment. In fact I can very easily say it was an
environment of extreme criticism. At a
very young age I was repeatedly told that I wasn’t wanted, that everyone in the
family would be better off without me, that I was worthless and would always be
worthless, that I was stupid, and that I wouldn’t amount to very much.
I then felt
worthless and developed a continuous attitude of self-criticism because everything
I did was criticized. This behavior was
easily learned since it was taught to me by those who I believed should love me
the most. Because that is what family
does right? Family is supposed to be loving and supportive, to teach you
valuable lessons that you keep and use to live the most successful life possible
and contribute to society so society can evolve. Right?
Even through
all of the criticism, I only had one dream - to be in the entertainment
industry and make great films. At 20
years old I had my daughter and my dream was brutally crushed by my family. They made me painfully aware that people in
entertainment are starving artists and that so few really make it to success. They told me I would make my baby starve. I remembered growing up poor and I wanted
better for my daughter so I told myself “No, there is no way that I could be a
starving artist because I can’t let my baby starve.”
Because I
did feel worthless and didn’t know what to do or where to turn, I took some
tests to determine what occupation would enable me to provide for my
daughter. I did my best on the tests but
really didn’t expect much. What came
back to me was nothing short of mind-blowing.
My test results showed that I was very smart. However I had become so accustomed to
self-criticism that even this knowledge didn’t change my feelings of worthlessness. What did happen was that I decided to take
the safe route – I forgot about being in entertainment and I became a financial
analyst.
Effects of Learned Behavior:
There are certain
ramifications as a result of criticism, you see. And because I was berated
constantly as a child, adolescent, and teenager, it affected me in the
following ways:
-
I was distant in all of my relationships –
friendships, partners, and work-related ones.
I wanted to be close to my family but because I couldn’t have that, I
didn’t believe I could obtain that degree of closeness with anyone else no
matter how much I wanted it.
-
I always felt as though I had to be the stronger
person when dealing with my family and keep things together no matter how much
they punished me. My motto was “Tough
out the pain and keep moving forward.”
-
It was necessary to have more value than
everyone else. I had to prove my worth in
order to show there was a need to have me around.
-
I didn’t love myself because I had never learned
how to and was still waiting for my biological family to love me first.
In all of my
relationships, people have always leaned on me.
My partners have always needed different types of healing, moral support
and someone to help them accomplish their goals. My immediate biological family
needed financial help. I always
fulfilled need but never felt loved or wanted for just being me.
As a result
of the need to have more value, I worked extremely hard to accomplish goals
that I set for myself. I set these goals
to prove my value to everyone. No matter
how many people told me “No”, “You can’t do it” or “You’ll never accomplish
that” I refused to listen. The need to
prove my worth was my driving force.
It wasn’t
until my early 30’s when I finally stood my ground and refused the abuse that the
abuse stopped. I stood my ground because in all of those years I was asking
myself questions, researching, and working on myself. What I discovered was how
to understand criticism and turn it from something harmful into motivation for
productivity. This practice took years
to master as I was still involved with my biological family, waiting for their
love, and did not have anyone to show me the way. Hopefully by reading this, it won’t take as
long for you to find your way.
How to Break the Criticism Cycle:
You see
there are several reasons why someone criticizes you. 1) Because they love you, see an issue that
could possibly hurt you, and are attempting to make you aware of it. 2) They are jealous of you and don’t like
that you have what they feel they cannot.
3) They are afraid that you will move past them and they will lose
you. 4) They are a bully and feel better
about themselves when they tear others down.
I learned
these four points matter when listening to criticism and I put that to
use. When I am criticized by anyone, I
ask myself the following: 1) Which one of the above four is that person? 2)
What is their motive? 3) Is their
criticism coming from the right place? 4) Is there any validity to it? 5) How can I better myself/the situation from
their criticism?
I took the
good part of the criticism, the good lessons (even though they were taught
harshly) and made them a part of my daily practice.
Criticism: You are worthless and lazy.
What I took from that: Hard work is necessary to achieve goals. Through hard work, there is nothing that I
couldn’t accomplish.
Criticism: If you don’t know the answer now then you
won’t ever know it.
What I took from that: Ignorance is not bliss and educating yourself
is necessary.
Criticism: If you do that, you’re going to fail and then
you will have nothing.
What I took from that: If you fall down, don’t cry. You should get back up and try again.
Criticism: There is something wrong with your brain. You
are too stupid to figure it out for yourself.
What I took from that: If you cheat at
something you are only cheating yourself.
Criticism: That’s a stupid
question. Don’t ever ask me that again.
What I took from that: They don’t know
the answer and hearing “No” doesn’t hurt me or deter me.
I made sense
of all of these criticisms and made them all work for me.
I used those
same questions from How to Break the Criticism Cycle to understand why the
abuse in my life happened as well as to forgive. Why forgive? Because I understand not
forgiving someone’s wrong doings to me only hurts me. Putting all of the things I’d discovered to
use, I learned to accomplish goals for positive reasons.
Then I
mastered new things like:
1) How to
set goals (I call them my ABC guide) and stick to them.
2) Baby-steps
are important when breaking new ground.
3) Strong
ethics and morals, while not always “cool” to all people, demonstrates
integrity and the right people will gravitate toward you.
4) Not only
strength but confidence also comes from within, and you have to believe you can
do amazing things.
5) You can
inspire others by just being you.
6) Building
an amazing “life house” or business takes laying a solid foundation.
And with all
of this learning, I have won awards, received accolades, promotions, and raises,
gained recognition from my peers, pursued my dream of having a career in
entertainment, gained lots of love in my life, and am confident that I can
continue to accomplish the goals I set for myself.
Throughout
the years, I have been asked numerous times:
“How do you
do the things you do?”
“That seemed
impossible, how did you accomplish that?”
“How did you
grow up the way you did and turn out so well?”
And my
answer is that in the beginning I accomplished things for all of the wrong
reasons.
I wanted to
have a better life and to be a better person, and in order to achieve that I knew
that I had to work on myself – to resolve those past “bad” issues so I could be
free of them for good and accomplish goals for the right reasons. I believe I can accomplish what I set out to
do, I don’t ever expect it to be easy, and I know that lots of hard work is
something I am not afraid of.
Peace and Love to the Universe!
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